this sucks—but there may be a way out

[Triarius Fidelis]

[snip embarrassing lead-in]

...and so today I found out that the one girl I was interested in was not merely taken, but in fact married...and then I saw the Norns in my head:



This sucks, guys. I need some help. Short of dating depressingly stupid women there's no one that isn't taken. Any advice here?

[metvas]

Hello hanumizzle:

At a time like this words often reach the ears of the listener rather hollow. However I will attempt to shed some perspective on this that you may not yet thought of should you care to listen.
As this relationship did not come to fruition you will never know if it would have been your Nirvana of relationships or your worst nightmare. That realization in itself would have been much more destructive to you, had it not worked out for you once being in it, be thankful of that.
There is not much more in the Universe that hurts as much as a broken heart. That broken heart will now be gentler, intuitive and understanding for your next relationship. Your partner when she does arrive will be most likely of the same stock or at least similar in many respects.
Start thinking of her, every day and she will arrive. It is a bit like walking along a path with a lantern you can only see one step ahead of yourself. Every once in a while a flash of light allows you to see further along that path just for an instant then it is back to one step at a time. Keep looking forward, doing the right thing never knowing if it is right enough or not always err to the good and the Universe will bestow upon you the right thing back. Your partner.
Don’t loose sight of the trees for the forest though. You must put that energy around you to attract her. I will be patiently waiting to hear from you some day about that new partner.
Sometimes a rocky road can take you a beautiful place.
Warm Regards
Darrell

[nightflier]

Hanumizzle,

I don't know your exact age, but my guess is that time is on your side. Both for healing and getting there.

Personal relationships can bring us our greatest joy as well as our deepest sorrows, They are also complicated and have a steep learning curve. Much effort and compromising is involved. Still, they are worth it. More than that, they are essential.

When looking for prospective partners, often the problem is insufficient exposure and choice. If you only see a few you get tunnel vision. You need to go where the girls are. Social clubs, gyms, sports and similar. I have had great success with on-line services. And give it time. It will happen.

Go get'em.
Roy

[blurymind]

women...they never tell you,before its too late.   

dont worry man, its not the end of the world. I am sure you will meet a better one sooner or later.

[rbistolfi]

It really sucks, you need to do your best, and you will become stronger... later. And remember:
If the Heraclitus sentence is rigth,

πάντα χωρεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει
Everything flows and nothing stands still
(Plato, Cratylus 402a)

the pain will flow too.

my best wishes for you, Rodrigo.

[Triarius Fidelis]

Personal relationships can bring us our greatest joy as well as our deepest sorrows, They are also complicated and have a steep learning curve. Much effort and compromising is involved. Still, they are worth it. More than that, they are essential.

Just for the sake of pedantry, I submit that isn't strictly true. It is essential for me though because, unfortunately, I do not have the strength of intellect of some people *cough* Pál Erdös! *hack*

When looking for prospective partners, often the problem is insufficient exposure and choice. If you only see a few you get tunnel vision. You need to go where the girls are. Social clubs, gyms, sports and similar. I have had great success with on-line services. And give it time. It will happen.

What circumscribes this is that I have almost no time or money and I don't like anything that isn't completely male-dominated. I like:

• Linux
• Mythology
• True metal
• True metal
• True metal

Well you get the idea.  I also have Asperger syndrome which makes it virtually impossible for me to conduct 'small talk', and for the same reason I generally find large gatherings of people dreadful regardless the occasion.

the pain will flow too.

Yes—in Gimlé...

[Colonel Panic]

You have my sympathies from first-hand experience (I have Asperger's too). I hope things will look up for you, but in the meantime you might enjoy this website;

http://isnt.autistics.org/

It's a humorous site which looks at the "normal" social world through the eyes of someone with an *ASD.

* Autistic spectrum disorder.

Asperger's is quite frequently found amongst people who need to be able to concentrate long and hard on a subject or problem without distraction. A lot of IT tech people have it, including (so it is rumoured) Bill Gates.

[Triarius Fidelis]

Wait. That's a link to E17 builds for Slackware!

Do you have the ISNT site in mind? I've seen it before.

[tomh38]

hanumizzle  ... though I don't know anything about you except from your great work with VL and your extremely helpful posts in these forums, you have my sympathy that this worked out so badly.  Though I don't have Asperger's, I have a friend who does, and I myself am extremely shy (if I went to a psychotherapist I would probably be diagnosed with Social Phobia or something like that).  So, I might (might!) have a little bit of an idea of what you're going through.  I just turned 40 a week ago Saturday, and didn't meet my girlfriend until 5 years ago.  I met her in a book club which I joined to discuss ideas (not to meet women - I had long since given up on that) and she just happened to be interested in many of the same things I am. Things developed from there.  Anyway, I'm not suggesting you join a book club (or, with all due respect to nightflier, a social club, a gym, or something similar).  Nevertheless, I do think that it is very likely that there are women out there who are right for you, including women who would understand your difficulty with small talk and so on.  You might meet someone by chance, as happened to me, though I would suggest that you keep looking.  You seem like a very intelligent guy.  It might help you to approach this challenge as you would other intellectual challenges; quite possibly you'll come up with some ideas about how to meet someone who is right for you.
Just my .02.
Tom
P.S.  What you're going through does suck.  There's no getting around it.  When I was 25 the girl I was in love with not only married another guy but also failed to give back (stole!) my leather jacket.  The last time I saw it the guy she ended up marrying was wearing it.

[Triarius Fidelis]

It might help you to approach this challenge as you would other intellectual challenges; quite possibly you'll come up with some ideas about how to meet someone who is right for you.

Of all things that govern human behavior, logic is one of the least. So WADR I'm not sure that will work.

However, I did come up with one idea: find a pen-pal service. I can exercise some language I know already, or learn a new one altogether; I know already that people tend to be strongly impressed when an American speaks something other than English, or knows anything about someone else's history or culture.

As an added bonus, because of Jolly Old England's ancient turbulence, many of the languages I like are relatively easy to learn and are associated with hawt women. (I would give a visual aid, but that would be NSFW.)

Anyone know some good services?

[LLL]

You will be without - and feel like you'll never find your 'with' - until you are not.

Wrap your head around it, feel it - all of it - and keep breathing.

LLL

P.S. 6,000,000,000.

P.P.S. Your openness to discuss your life, your feelings, etc. leaves you more healthily connected than many 'normal' people.

[Triarius Fidelis]

P.S. 6,000,000,000.

I'm not sure what the context of this is. Is it hopefully the number of good pen-pal services you know? I've Googled around, of course, but I'm bewildered by all the options.

I can be a real klutz at uncomplicated things, you know; it wasn't 'til the ripe old age of eight that I learned how to tie my shoes...

[tomh38]

"Of all things that govern human behavior, logic is one of the least. So WADR I'm not sure that will work."

Oh, I completely agree.  I wasn't suggesting that you rely on logic in a relationship, or that intellect is even particularly relevant in determining whether or not you're attracted to someone; my idea was that you use your intellectual abilities to come up with some ideas for how to meet some women - which you've done; you thought of using a pen-pal service and your language skills in combination.

Concerning the pen-pal services, I personally don't know which ones might be good.  However, I have some friends in Germany, the Netherlands, Sweden, and Finland (are any of those countries interesting to you?) who might know which ones would be good.  If you like, I can contact them, and see what I can find out.  Unless you have an objection, I'll email and Skype some of my friends in Europe and email you what I find out

I think LLL was referring to the fact that there a 6 billion people on Earth - a lot of fish in the sea, in other words.  It doesn't seem likely that you would be interested in the 48% who are male, nor in the children or elderly among the female population    ... still, it's a good point.

[Triarius Fidelis]

"Of all things that govern human behavior, logic is one of the least. So WADR I'm not sure that will work."

Oh, I completely agree.  I wasn't suggesting that you rely on logic in a relationship, or that intellect is even particularly relevant in determining whether or not you're attracted to someone

Well, it really is for me. In fact, it's crucial that the girl has an intellect. But intelligence and rational behavior are (somewhat) orthogonal. As Johann-Wolfgang von Goethe said: "A clever man makes no small mistake." The cruelest mistakes in history have all been committed by really smart people. It's not so bad, though, because I have nearly infinite tolerance for mistakes.

(I feel a little embarrassed here, because I guess my meaning wasn't all clear.)

Concerning the pen-pal services, I personally don't know which ones might be good.  However, I have some friends in Germany, the Netherlands, Sweden, and Finland (are any of those countries interesting to you?) who might know which ones would be good.  If you like, I can contact them, and see what I can find out.  Unless you have an objection, I'll email and Skype some of my friends in Europe and email you what I find out

No objection whatever, of course. A note of caution though: Finnish belongs to the Finno-Ugric language group, which is entirely distinct from all Germanic tongues. It is really beautiful (and strongly informed the Elvish family of speech), but would be largely alien to me as an English speaker. Compare then this text in Faroese, a Scandinavian language not unlike Icelandic, to English:

Grani bar (bore) gullið (gold) av (of) heiði (heath)
Brá hann (he) sinum (sein (German)) brandi (brand) av (of) reiði (wrath)
Sjurður va a orminum (worm, in the sense of O.E. 'wyrm')
Grani bar (bore) gullið (gold) av (away) heiði (heath)!

All that's missing is that 'va a' (which appears to mean 'slew') and 'brá', which means 'swung'. I could guess everything else, and so we end with:

Greyfell bore gold away from the heath
Swung he his sword in wrath
Siegfried slew the dragon
Greyfell bore gold away from the heath

Too easy. I don't even know Faroese.

[Colonel Panic]

Wait. That's a link to E17 builds for Slackware!

Do you have the ISNT site in mind? I've seen it before.

Oh hell, yes it is. I had problems with the board yesterday and I've got 'flu, so those are my excuses.

Yes you're right, it was the ISNT site I was trying to show you; I've changed the link for anyone else who might be interested.